We are blessed. I know we are blessed. We have one precious, beautiful, cute, funny DD. But my heart yearns so desperately for more.
This blog is about my journey to have another baby, to learn the lessons I need to learn and to be honest through the pain, hurt and doubt. Because the one thing that stood out to me for 3 years before having DD and for the past 4 years is "what happens when God doesn't answer prayer?" or more specifically, " what does it mean when God won't/doesn't answer a specific prayer". It's not like I am praying harm to someone, praying for money or out of greed or any other "bad prayer". I am simply praying for another baby. Something the Bible says is a blessing.
I am hoping and praying it is a short lived journey. I am on day 5 of blood tests to track ovulation so we can do an embryo transfer. So who knows, in 2 weeks time, give or take a day or two, I may well be pregnant. But for me, that won't be the end of this journey. I will then need to get to 8 weeks. My last 2 pregnancies failed at 8 weeks. So there will be milestones along the way and for each of them, somehow, I need to trust that God is in control, that He does answer prayers cried out to Him and that somehow, whatever happens, it will be OK and it is part of His plan for my life.
And that is where I get stuck. How can God have a good and perfect plan for my life that includes so much heartache and grief? What lessons am I meant to learn? I must be a slow learner if it has taken a cumulative 7 years to learn them. Is there another reason for all of this? If so, what is it? Will I ever know or will I always have a level of pain in my life, always the sorrow that we couldn't have another baby?
I am grateful, eternally grateful. We could have never had a child. Our infertility could have meant we never got to know the joy of being parents. And I know, without a doubt (most of the time), that she is a perfect gift from God who knew I couldn't continue without that blessing.
But I never wanted to be a mum like I want to be now. I always assumed I would have 2 kids, go back to work part time and that would be all I wanted. Since DD I have had a deep yearning in my heart for 3-4 kids. This yearning has been so strong, so overwhelming that I believe it must be from God. I want to be a stay at home mum and do all of the "tragic" things 1950's housewives did. That is so not me but that is the desire of my heart. So all I can conclude is that it has come from God yet God has chosen not to fulfil it and that is what gets me stuck, pulls me up, time after time.
I have praised God through joy and sorrow, way more sorrow and heartache than anything else. I have tried to be faithful to that. I want to sing "blessed be the name of the Lord" from a place of happiness and joy, truly knowing God is good, not despite the hurt and sadness.
I have trusted... only to be disappointed
I have believed I heard God's reassurance... only to be let down
I have prayed my butt off.. only to have unanswered prayer
I have rejoiced in friend's pregnancies even when my world has been falling in
I have envied my friend's pregnancies and repented.
There is nothing I can do to change God's will or plan for my life and the futility of hoping and trying is overwhelming. I know I can't change God. I thought if I prayed enough He just might hear me and respond. But I am still waiting.
I have praised God despite, or maybe through, it all...but nothing seems to come of it. And I don't praise Him like it is some equation... you know, if I praise God even though I'm not pregnant He will therefore make me pregnant. I know it doesn't work like that. But I have praised Him, trusted Him, hoped in Him...and nothing. Just doubts that come back month after month.
God healed the blind and the lepers... but not my infertility
God raised people from the dead... but not my hopes from where they lie broken and shattered on the ground
God performed so many miracles... but not the miracle of another child for us
I know I have failed many times. I have raged at Him, sworn at Him, been angry, hurt and bitter. I have repented time and time again.
This blog is to track my journey, give me a place to journal my hopes, thoughts and feelings and to explore some of the parts of the Bible that make no sense in light on unfulfilled dreams and unanswered prayers.
No comments:
Post a Comment